Excerpts

EPILOGUE….

She awoke in a panic. Beads of sweat covered her brow and she was burning up from the inside even though the room was icy cold. All Lauren could do was scream in hopes that her father would come to her rescue. But that could never happen because he died five years ago in the line of duty saving a young girl from a would-be death attempt after surviving a brutal rape. So she screamed and entered the room her mother,

“Lauren, are you okay?”

Lauren looked to her mother and thought about how much of a self-righteous bitch she had become since daddy’s death. Lauren hated her, hated the very sight of her, even when her mother tried hard Lauren knew it was only momentary.

“I’m fine. Go away.”

Mya knew she wasn’t okay. And no matter what it took she was going to get Lauren to talk to her. Mya moved over to the bed and sat down with Lauren’s back facing against her. Mya laid her hand on her daughter’s side. “Another dream sweetie?”

Lauren was resistant to giving in. “I said I am fine, now please go away.”

But Mya wouldn’t give up. They had a rough couple of years with Brandon gone and now her father who just passed from a heart attack not more than a year ago. “Lauren, I know I am not your dad but…”

Lauren sprung up from under the covers. She was frothing at the mouth and her eyes were almost black. Mya had seen this side of Lauren only once before and it scared the hell out of her much as it did now. Her voice was deeper. “You are right, bitch, you are not him, now leave me the hell alone.”

Mya backed up from the bed and walked out of the room staring at her daughter. Her daughter watched her walk out of the room and as Mya stepped out closing the door behind her she could hear Lauren laughing.

Mya paced the halls of the home. She had no one to call. No one to get advice from. With Brandon and daddy gone she had no one to rely on. Marilyn had been placed in a home with severe Alzheimer’s and so Mya was left alone. It was an awful feeling being afraid of your own daughter and it was worse that Mya had no one to talk to.

Mya stepped outside to get some fresh air hoping that ideas would spring from the scent of the budding spring flowers. She was immersed in her garden when she heard Lauren screaming again. Her heart went to the pit of her stomach and she stood frozen almost afraid to find out what happened. But it was Lauren, her daughter, her life and so Mya found the courage and ran back into the house and into her daughter’s bedroom.

Lauren was sitting up crying, “Mommy, I am so afraid, please help me.”

Mya grabbed her fifteen year old daughter and hauled her out of the bed. “Come on let’s get out of this bedroom and get outside.” Mya didn’t know why but she didn’t feel comfortable in that bedroom. Outside offered more of a sense of peace. They ran down the hall and out of the front door, Lauren still dressed in her nightgown and bare feet. The air was still a little cold and so was the ground. “Sit on the step, I will be right back.”

Mya ran back in the house and into Laurens bedroom. There was a haunting chill in the air. Much like the chill she felt when she dreamt of her mother. Mya grabbed Laurens parka and her fuzzy slippers and headed back outside. Her daughter was on the steps in the fetal position rocking back and forth. Mya worked quickly to put on her parka and help her with her slippers. “Mommy, I can’t go to school today.”

Mya wasn’t used to Lauren calling her mommy and so this new trait worried her. “Okay honey, I will call Dr. Shanks today and see if we can get you in.”

“Okay.”

Dr. Shanks has been working with Lauren and Mya over the past two years when Lauren started developing these new personality traits. Mya and Brandon joked once that her mother’s schizophrenia skipped a generation but now that was most likely a reality and it was no longer funny. Lauren liked Dr. Shanks. He was a younger doctor more to her teenage level and he allowed Lauren to speak her mind even when it was against her mother.

“What happened to you Lauren? What scared you so bad?”

“It was a dream. I was sleeping in my bed and I awoke in my dream. I could hear this really faint music and I looked up. There was smoke all over my room but a light illuminated from my armoire. I was scared of the light but I had to go to it to see what it was. So I stepped out of bed and there were snakes all over my floor. I was stepping over the snakes to get to the armoire when the smoke covered me and made me freezing cold. I could hardly move for a minute but then I started walking again over the snakes to the armoire. The light was brighter inside the doors of the armoire. I opened the doors and the light diminished. I looked in the mirror and it was black and then a light came on inside the mirror I could see my reflection. Then I thought I heard daddy call my name. I looked away for a minute and then looked back in the mirror. What I saw was my reflection only it was distorted. I looked evil. And then I woke up.”

“Is that when you screamed the first time.”

Lauren looked at her mother inquisitively, “Yes, but you never came so I tried to go back to sleep. Why didn’t you come to me?”

Mya was confused. “Lauren, I did. You kicked me out of your bedroom, remember?” Mya rubbed her daughters head smoothing her hair out of her face.

Lauren didn’t remember her mother coming to her. “Mom, what’s happening to me?”

“I don’t know sweetie. But we will try to fix it whatever it is.” Mya was scared. She didn’t know if she could repair her daughter. This disease was bigger than Mya that was growing very apparent. “Let me go inside and call the school and Dr. Shanks and see if I can get you in.”

Lauren looked up at her mother who was still smoothing her head. She hated her mother and was disgusted that she was even touching her. Lauren reached up and threw her mother’s arm off of her. “Leave me alone.”

Mya was taken back. “Okay, you sit out here, I will be right back.”

Lauren chuckled. “Is that a threat?”

Mya walked in the house and sat on the couch. The stress was overwhelming her and she didn’t know how much more she could take. She thought of her daughter and all her different personality traits and wondered if this is what her dad went through with her mom. She wondered how many demons were haunting Lauren and she wondered how she could protect her from all of them. Mya knew that part of Lauren hated her. Although she didn’t know why and Mya was growing afraid that the part of Lauren that hated Mya would end up killing her one day. And that scared her too. Mya spent most of her nights locked in her bedroom not sure which side of Lauren would awake in the middle of the night. And she tiptoed around her daughter’s traits constantly watching her back. The knives and scissors were hid. The glass in the frames of the pictures was removed as was anything that Lauren could get a hold of that would hurt her of Mya.
But that didn’t stop Lauren, one episode was while her mother was vacuuming Lauren got enraged because her mother woke her up with the sound and she grabbed one of her boots and chucked it at her mother’s head missing her temple by less than an inch.

Mya called the high school to let them know Lauren wouldn’t be attending. “Can we send her missed assignments by one of the other children in your neighborhood?”

Mya knew that Lauren didn’t have a friend in the world. It was high school and Lauren was a beautiful girl but her disease was steadfast and the other kids picked up on it. They didn’t pick on her instead they were a little afraid of her as if she weirder them out in a way. Mya understood it because it weirder her out to but she couldn’t help but to feel sorry for Lauren she didn’t even have one friend. Mya knew what that felt like until Connie came into her life. And now Mya didn’t have a friend in the world either. “No, if you can coordinate with her teachers I will stop by later to pick them up in the office.”
Mya hung up the phone and took a deep breath. Today was going to be one of those bad days she just knew it. “8:35 Dr. Shank doesn’t open his office until nine.” She entered the kitchen to make some coffee and heard Lauren come in the house.

“Lauren is you okay.”

“Yes, just a little cold.” Mya’s heart leaped. It was her daughter’s voice. Her real daughter.

“Do you want some hot chocolate?” Mya had her back turned when Lauren entered the kitchen.

“Yes please.”

Mya turned around to find her daughter standing there with her hair matted like a birds nest on top of her head. She pretended not to notice.

“Have a seat; I will fix you some oatmeal too.”

Mya worked steadfast on Laurens breakfast trying hard not to stare at her daughters head. Lauren was messed up bad and Mya was sickened by it as she placed the oatmeal in front of Lauren she choked back the tears.

“What is a matter with you?”

“Nothing Lauren just eat.” Mya made her way into the bathroom to grab a pick and the hair detangling cream. Mya thought she ought to have stock in it.

Mya went back into the kitchen while her daughter was eating and rubbed the cream through Laurens nest. “Mom, what are you doing? I am trying to eat.”

“Saving you from an hours’ worth of work later. You must have tossed around in your sleep quite a bit.”

Lauren chuckled. Except this time it was Lauren’s real chuckle the one that Mya loved to hear. “Is it really that bad?”

Mya laughed too. “Don’t go look in the mirror, is all I am saying.”

Mya had walked to the coffee pot to get another cup of coffee. She had forgotten about Laurens dream for a minute but was quickly reminded when the burning of hot chocolate ran down her neck and down her back. Thank god she had switched Lauren to plastic cups. My screamed. “Oh my god.”

Lauren sat there with an angered look on her face.

Mya wanted to kill her, but the burns on her back kept her from moving. “Lauren you just burnt me. Why in the hell did you just throw your hot chocolate at me?”

“Good I hope it hurts. I can’t fucking believe you would make a crack like that after the dream I had last night.” Lauren sat there arms crossed challenging her mother.

Mya wanted desperately to throw her coffee on her but she knew she couldn’t. She was so furious that she sprayed out her anger in words instead. “Lauren Cahill you are a crazy fucking little bitch. And I want you to step outside while I calm down and have myself yet another shower.”

To Mya’s surprise Lauren cowered down and grabbed her oatmeal and walked out the front door taking a seat on the porch. Mya locked the door and then felt guilty for doing so, but she was afraid of what Lauren might do next. Mya got in the shower and busted into tears. Damn Brandon for teaching her how to feel again. If it wasn’t for him she would not be going through this and poor Lauren would not have to endure the ugly words that Mya just spat at her. Mya got out of the shower and got dressed. It was time to call Dr. Shanks.

With her hair soaking wet she dialed his number. “Middlesex Psychiatric Group.”

“I need to speak with Dr. Shanks if he is available.”

“Well I am not sure if he is with a patient, can I take a message.”

Mya knew that doctors didn’t like to take calls without them being directed through the office first. But she didn’t care this was an emergency.

“This is Mya Anderson and it is urgent. I do not want to leave a message I want to speak to Dr. Shanks personally.” Her voice started to waiver and she could feel the onset of tears coming on again.

It only took a few moments and Dr. Shanks was on the line. “Mya, what’s going on?”

Mya burst into tears. “She is having quite a morning. A dream sparked it off and she has gone from loving me, needing me, to hating me to throwing a cup of hot chocolate on me. She is bouncing back and forth from personality traits crazily. And I called her horrible names after she burned me.” Mya couldn’t stop crying. “I am a horrible mother.”

Dr. Shanks took a deep breath. “Mya, you are not a horrible mother. You are human. Forgive yourself and move on, if she was under a different trait she most likely won’t remember it anyway. What is she doing now?”

Mya looked out her kitchen window and was again taken back. “Hum, well she is knee deep in mud in her night gown tearing up my garden with her hands.”

“What is she doing outside?”

Mya took another deep breath. “I threw her out so I could take a shower. I was afraid of her Dr. Shanks like right now, she isn’t right.”

“Do you think she is dangerous right now?”

“Honestly, I do not know.”

“I could send an ambulance.” Mya thought about it for a minute. She heard nightmares of parents who have called 911 when their schizophrenic children were out of control. Emergency services tackle them and wraps them up tight. She didn’t care how scared of Lauren she was, she wasn’t going to allow her daughter to be brow beaten.

“Uh, no, I can take her to you. Just give me a time.”

“I will tell you what, as soon as you feel comfortable to move her you can bring her in. I will be waiting for you.”

“Okay.”

“Before we go, has she been taking her meds?”

Mya was sure of it. “Yes, I give them to her every night.”

“Are you sure she is swallowing them?”

Mya thought for a minute, “No, I am not sure of anything at this point.”

“Check her room, her pillow trash can, anything. I bet she is spitting them out.”

Mya hung up the phone and walked to Laurens bedroom. The chill in the air was gone. “Strange.” She started searching through her sheets and pillows. Nothing. And then looked down to her trash can it was full of tissues. Mya pulled out the tissues and found that Lauren had been wrapping her medicine in her tissues. And then throwing them away.

She ran back to the kitchen to look out the window. Lauren was standing in the walkway staring up at the window. She had mud on her head to toe. She looked as if she was headed for a breakdown. She had what Mya liked to call ‘her Carrie look’. Mya opened the front door. “Lauren?”

Lauren was still looking in the kitchen window from the walkway. ‘Uh huh.”

“Honey do you want to come in and take a bath?”

Lauren slowly turned to look at her mother. “Yes please.”

“Well come on.”

Lauren had walked into the house much like a zombie and into the bathroom.

“Do you need help?”

Lauren looked back at her. “Nope. I got it.”

Mya heard the shower turn on and she headed out the front door to assess the damage in her garden. When she got to the dirt pile she noticed that Lauren had written something in the mud. Mya could feel a stabbing pain in her heart. The words CRAZY HATE YOU MOM and then DIE were spelled out in the garden area. Mya ran to the shed and quickly grabbed a broom. She swept the words away as she swept away her tears.

The front door opened and Lauren was standing in the doorway with a towel on. “Mom, do you know where my jean skirt is?”

It was Lauren again. Mya almost felt dizzy. “Try the dryer.”

Lauren looked at her complex. “What are you doing? “

Mya couldn’t think fast enough on her feet. “Uhm sweeping some ants away.”

Lauren shrugged her shoulders. “Ants already, huh”

Mya stood there frozen for a minute, put the broom back and made it back into the house. From Laurens bedroom she could hear the radio and Lauren singing. If she was going to get her to the doctor the time was now. “Lauren are you ready?”

“Yes, just a minute.”

Mya grabbed her jacket and purse and met Lauren in the hallway by the front door. “Are you taking me to school?”

“No honey, we are not going to school today, you have an appointment with Dr. Shanks.”

Lauren looked at her wildly. “I don’t have an appointment today. I am not supposed to go until next Friday.”

Mya thought quickly. “Well he called and asked if he could see you today instead, I must have forgotten to tell you.”

“Oh okay.”

Mya and Lauren headed to the car. Lauren was bubbly more so than usual when she was herself. “Can we stop and get some breakfast first?”

Mya laughed, “Is your oatmeal gone already?”

“What oatmeal?”

Mya decided to not argue it, “Yeah sure, I will get you a biscuit.”

Mya pulled into the fast-food restaurant with her daughter still intact and got her breakfast as she had said and then continued down the road to Dr. Shanks. He was located n Boston so it would take about an hour. Lauren devoured her biscuit as if she hadn’t eaten anything already that morning and then put the radio on and started bee bopping to the music. Mya was comforted to have her daughter back.

About twenty minutes down the road as they hit the turnpike Mya decided to engage in conversation with Lauren. “So how do you think you did on that math test yesterday?”

“I aced it.”

“And you have English exams coming next week, where do you think you stand?”

Lauren was confident. “Oh I am in pretty good shape.”

“Good. I am glad to hear it. I have been very proud of you at school this year. You have done very well.”

Lauren smiled at her. “Thank you. Now die.”

Mya’s heart went into her throat. “What did you say?”

Lauren looked at her complexed. “I said thank you.”

Mya looked back at the road. “Oh.” And then back at her daughter who was still smiling.

“Now die.”

Lauren lifted the emergency brake as they were traveling seventy miles per hour. “Lauren what the hell are you doing?” The car started to skid out of control. Lauren was laughing as Mya tried to gain control of the car.

Lauren started yelling. “Good times mom, good times.” And then reached over and grabbed the steering wheel “I said now DIE” and pulled them into oncoming traffic. For just a moment the world was still. Mya looked at her crazed daughter as an oncoming truck hit her on the drivers left side. Mya was thrown. And the world went black.

Lauren Cahill hated her mother. It took a couple minutes for the smoke to clear out but as she looked at her mother’s stone cold eyes she knew she was dead. “Well mother, it is about time.” Lauren played with her mother’s hair for just a bit. “Tell daddy, I said hello okay. Tell him I love him.” Lauren could hear the ambulance and police cruisers on their way. There were people jumping out of their cars to see what happened. Lauren put the emergency brake down. “Here we go” she laughed to herself, “I should be in Hollywood.” Lauren shook her face in her hands, and started to cry. She exited the vehicle stumbling all over the road. “Somebody help, I think my mother is dead.”